The Originals

Sunny Sunday,  8.04 p.m. , 27 Feb 2011                                                                                             
Saya pernah antisosial pada satu ketika 

Dahulu sebelum saya akil baligh lagi, 

Namun harus sampai bilakah saya patut 

Begitu? Saya suda bosan kehidupan kolej, 

Jadual masa penuh dengan kuliah dan aktiviti 

Kolej. Saya suda bosan dengan cinta monyet, 

Saya suda bosan dengan hidup tanpa irama,

Tanpa fokus, tanpa kekuatan. 

Saya telah lemah apabila dia

Meletakkan kekuasaannya ke atas saya, 

Dia meyelubungi diri saya,

Saya tidak gila, saya masih siuman, 

Saya perlukan masa untuk mengubati

Luka ini. Berilah saya kawan yang ramai,

Biar ikhlas atau tidak, biar jujur atau tidak, 

Berikan mereka kepada saya agar saya tidak kesunyian, 

Hidup menyendiri ini amat menyeksa batinku, 

Pemikiran saya mudah melencong 

Ke arah yang penuh kegelapan. 

Saya sungguh hipokrit, mengukir 

Senyuman yang tidak ikhlas, 

Berpura-pura peramah, kerana saya tidak ingin 

Dilabelkan sebagai sombong.

Jauh di satu sudut dalam lubuk hati ini, 

Sangat tertekan dengan pergaulan,

Tidak kira dengan perempuan ataupun lelaki, 

Kerana saya tidak  kenal keperibadian saya yang sebenar,

Sama ada apabila bersama dengan kawan-kawan,

Ataupun apabila tidak ada seorang pun yang melihat saya.

"Happiness resides not in posessions and not in gold; the feeling of happiness dwells in the soul" 

By Democritus 

"Who are you when nobody looking at you" The original

By: JYOO

Chasing the sun by the wanted

The wild one

New arena, Bigger classroom Part 4

             

Used to be guarded

                 In next few days, Stelensia will be moving to the new environment, which she was scared. Whenever she was away with her family she was tend to do mistake and she don't know how what the world is about. Stelensia was used to be under their surveillance and she can't not live without them and their guidance. They always guide her about life and she need them to teach her about life. She was moving to the big fast lane city with her friend and working there. The last few days was a hell for her and she just laid back. She was reflecting about everything that happen to her life, the pain that she had gone through was not letting her move on, every word that had been heard and searching for missing pieces of her inner self is the process of life for the checking in to the bigger classroom. THE WORLD.

When the seasons knocking on Part 5

At 2.23PM

                   Stelensia was on her back laying around on the bed on the floor. She can hardly feel the hunger of food as her mind was dwelling with the subtle matter that happen to her. Her mom said “ come take your breakfast downstairs”. She said “ hold on a sec, I didn’t feel hungry yet” and the time was already 2.23 PM. At last she was came downstairs to at 3 PM try to chew down the food that was prepared on the table. She feel disgusted with the food and throw it away. Her mom ask her “ why did you throw away the food into the dustbin? What’s wrong with you dear” She lied to her mom “ I had my breakfast in the morning and I am still  full”. Whats on her mind right now is “What is it actually Jack up to? Why did he kept this secret all this long?” Its so hurt that makes her remind of her past that was hardly heal yet. Now she was hardly trust to anyone. Her heart was shattered and all she could do was to pray and seek calmness from GOD. She burst into tears praying and wondering how to response to this trouble which could be worst than before. She open up the bible on the table and read to seek calmness. Once she had closed the bible, her mind started to think about it and she started to feel hurt again. When she closed her eyes, all she could see is a man was not sincere to her and she was duped again. She tried to text him but it seem Johnny started ignoring her. :'( 

Please save me~

I said,'LORD, be merciful to me; Heal my soul, for I have sinned against you.'

SAVE MY SOUL, HEAL MY BROKEN WING

My soul screaming for saver

Every second was hell

Stelensia was on her back laying around on the bed on the floor. She can hardly feel the hunger

 of food as her mind was dwelling with the subtle matter that happen to her. Her mom said “

 come take your breakfast downstairs”. She said “ hold on a sec, I didn’t feel hungry yet” and the

 time was already 2.23 PM. At last she was came downstairs to at 3 PM try to chew down the

 food that was prepared on the table. She feel disgusted with the food and throw it away. Her

 mom ask her “ why did you throw away the food into the dustbin? What’s wrong with you dear”

 She lied to her mom “ I had my biscuits in the morning already and am still feel full”. Whats on

 her mind right now is “What is it actually Johnny up to? Why did he kept this secret all this long?”

 Its so hurt that makes her remind of her past that was hardly heal yet. Know she was not trusted

 to any boy anymore. Her heart was shattered into pieces and all she did was to pray and seek

 calmness from GOD. She burst into tears praying and wondering how to response to this new

 matter which could be worst than before. She open up the long unopen bible on the table and

 read a few words from it and feel the calmness. Once she had closed the bible, her mind

 started to think about it and she started to feel hurt again. When she closed her eyes, all she

 could see is a man was not sincered to her and she was lied to again. She tried to text him but

 it seem Johnny started to feel bored about her. 

Time won't heal Part 6

Some part of me that I wish can be undone

               She was shocked when her current boyfriend Jack reveals his long time kept well secrets. He was no differences with the Valtino. Somehow Stelensia was out of her mind and she don't know how to move on. She repeated the same old mistakes again. She can't sleep the night when Jack secret was reveal. God says that avoid people that can bring you down, who can vandalize you and kill your soul in life. Some how try to show them the right way to the new life and it seems there is no way for her to restart a new and bring him to the right path. She had been crying out her eyes out in bath room kneeling on the floor praying with her head feeling the coldness of teh mosaic just to think about how was life had treat her. Thinking that she will be happy with Jack was stupid mistakes. Now she was left unknown and was thinking to take a step backward just to avoid her heart and soul further crushed. Somehow she was thinking about it more deeply as she knew every small decision make a big difference in the future. She was numb in her life for letting her emotion becoming the decision make. She don't know what does LOVE means. She really need to take a really long rest in this mad world of  which could drive people out of their mind and it's driving her crazy right now. 

Discovering new intervention

 Black lens

Trying out purple lens

Unveiling the absolute credibility part 7

           Stelensia was at overseas representing her college in sports, always sitting at the corner with her phone texting her lover. Barely speaks a word even though some other people are at their peak of their hormone excited about the sport competition. She can't focus anything but her phone. The day before Stelensia left Putrajaya, she got text from Alex which would likely sound like this. 

"Would you still be with me whatever happens? What if I was married?"

Stelensia took it as a joke somehow Alex admit that he was married with two kids. As soon as she knew the truth. She told him to divorce his wife and left his family behind as she was not intend to love this man anymore but to take revenge for what he has done by destroying his family. She hold on to her tears and she felt the weight on her chest and she can hardly breath. At the moment, she was catching her flight back to her state at Sabah. Pretending a smile in her face but crying in her heart. Her parents bring her home at that day, her mom was so happy to see her after spending a long time apart without knowing what was happening in her daughter. Stelensia still holding on to her tears in her chest waiting for the right time to burst out anytime soon. She was crying like three years old without the subconciousness to the surrounding hugging to her mom and telling her everything about that bad guy. Her mom was so worry and crying with her. She can't breath and shivering with her hand in her chest comforting herself. She just had enough with all this crap. The next day, she wants end up the relationship . Some how, he was begging Stelensia to stay. She was so strong to refuse to stay with him as she gain the strength from her mom. After a while, she was gone wild, trying to explore life and getting frustrated to herself. She was drinking alcohol, she was going to the club, she was hanging out with her buddies and trying to escape the mind thinking about it. That could be her darkest moment of her life. A broken angel was born. Some how  both of them was getting back together again for another two painful months. She was struggling to find herself. She was loss in the lust.

With buddies supporting team

Give us power of medalling

My achieving

Home

              She was started to let go of herself and just let him do what he wants. The last day they met before she was going back to her hometown. She whispering to his ears "Be good, take a good care of yourself, just don't leave me behind" she hug him and crying knowing that that would be her last time to meet. She fell in love with this man somehow she  knew it was wrong and it must be ended soon.  Stelensia, was destroyed and broken into pieces. She was doomed. The scars in her life was unimagineablely painful. She let go of her religion. She don't believes in anything. All she was able to do was to live the life with no broken soul. 

Unseen doen't mean it wasn't there Part 8

              There was a girl name Stelensia born innocently to this world, growing up in unexpected life condition, when she was in her childhood. Everyday with fear of broken family and pressure by parents who wish for the best for her, mom was always sick (with its own case) and always need to be taken care of, she cry every day for the getting a new scar she had on her heart, even in her teenage she can't go around and mixed around with people, she was growing up being told she was ugly, hence she was not confident at herself always staying in her room. She grew up to be antisocial, she hardly open her mouth to talk to people, everyday staying at home and only talk to her mom and brother, she barely talk to the dad because she was not close to him, she had very small circle of friends. Her life was a dull. It's alright to be that way her parents assume.                 

                
                  Once she was out into the society, she had to learn to be involve with the society, because of the growing process was not preparing her, she had to struggle to learn to be sociable and everyday was learning a new lesson. She was too naive and trusting people easily, people always took advantage of her easily. She had her first relationship on 21 years old while others in her age had learn a lot about it. she was started to discovered love life at the age of 21. A lot of guys started to try their luck on her. She think about love a lot and started to slipping down her grade in college. Somehow she is very active in sport but still manage to live her life. It was so often ask by people, why did she d want to talk. Y, and Y and Y. 

                    It's had been in her nature to be silence. She can't help it. at the age of 22, she had was broken hearted. again and the third time.. she had the deepest cut in her heart. She was cheated by a married man with two child. She was so strong that she can still hold on to the principle of life that her parents tought her. she cried and cried up until today. She pray and cry.  Her soul was injured badly. She still can't find the calmness in her self. she try to overcome it but it was hard for her. For once she had been covered herself with darkness.
                      

Cry me a river!

                    She was so lucky. What she had been through, no one would knows about with the pretending of happy mask. she is always good girl in the eye of her parents and relatives. NO ONE KNOWS her GUILT, NO ONE KNOWS her filthy secret. NO ONE KNOWS. She wil stay stronger than ever. This world is so cruel that she can only continue to walk in her jorney of life without a doubt. That's the life to her.