Trouble swifter

Attend someone wedding

         In here i would love to state that i'm so in to sport, like crazy. I'm just so into it.. it was like the only thing that makes me breath you know but at the same time I want  to balance up and juggling all the things that i have to take care of like my academic, my sports, my relationship.. and my health as well as my family member..

It's just too much..

I just want to avoid my self to used the word hate, and worry, and all those negative words whereby it may lead to the negative effects that would likely to make me think it's all gonna be okay and just be positive. I just have to learn how to manage my self and all.

It's just i can't be too occupied with one thing. it's just may lead to disaster just like what I've achieved for this recent result of my 2 year. it's just so disaster.

Encourage self

I will not back down on what I want to do. cliche~

         Anyway, it's a good day today. new day, new things. nothing special. but i'm new. surprised. Don't make your self sad because of something that is out of your control. You can't do anything on that little thing move on is the best thing I could do. Ignorance? rude word but its the wise choice to ignored those things that out of my control. Worry i'm not, I'm used to worry over night for things that I'm afraid of will not happen. But, it seems that it's a waste of time and it makes me weary emotionally. Prayer is the best thing to do, it takes away all the worried. Worried can back me down from what I want to achieve because I am not focus on the current aim. No point to worried. It can makes me crazy. Great management can be successful. Always in proper management of time, stress, social, all of this things have to be in balance. Can't loss it.

SAYONARA, hair -san

Motivate yourself, no one would do it for u if u didn't seek for the motivation. Just marching to the front like soldier. Don't look back on the mistakes that had happen. Learn the lessons and just move on. JUST DO IT!!!! Life is not always what I expected. I just want to live a simple life. Hope is always there.

My convocation

This is the situation that every single human in this world will experience, if it is not controlled or let go, then, it would be the worst case scenario to have a disease of crazy. and there is no cure for it and the medicine have to be taken for as long as your lifespan to stabilize the mind and emotion. It's very important to understand this kind of disease because it may happen to you or your family member as well.

My convocation

The symptom that i have experience is that let my anger go on my love one, not satisfied with it and cursing the mistake that have been taken, raising voice pitch all of the sudden while talking, not shy, spending time alone and silence. 

Gossips is bullshit

Gossips is bullshit

        No one know how it feels to be me right now in this world, everything happens not as I wanted, but all I can do is to go with the flow and wait for the matter to settling down by it's own, because the least that I can do is to let the rumors flowing in the air, It's okay. I just feel that my life is getting too complicated. I just can't get a hold on to myself because I'm weak. I can't stand alone here because I'm easily fall. I can't do all this because there is too  much to worry about.

Noobie

Brunei for Borneo game

Weird fashion

Heading to uptown buy some groceries dear blog. . housewife do's. taking out trash. . . so boring when it comes to doing housechores. I hate being housewife. lol. muahaha

24th

            This was the fourth failure of my trial, should I say its not the right one or its just me that made all this false decision. I just don't know whats coming up next, it seems that, everything that I had hope was not happening as it was predicted. I feel like giving up everything. I didn't found any purpose in life. My head slowly transforming into a pessimistic person. As things had happen that not building me up but tearing me down as I learned. I just can't stand on my own feet alone. I can't walk this journey all by myself. After all the thing that happen, I just can't believe in anyone anymore. It's a crap to put my trust on people. Not even myself. I can't clinging on my own principle.

      

  Still, what are the solutions for this matter? Even there was a solution, the problem still popping up suddenly. Feeling down is something that I had done for almost in my whole life. I have no idea how to straighten up, and put my chin up high above the water. Let God be the one to found the solution to all this question of my life. 

24th birthday celebrate after work

Keep that in mind that HE is with us every second when we busy, griefing on earthy matter, knock that head, open that eyes, turn yourself to HIM NOW!!!

By     JYOO

My practical Tuaran DOA

Isi polybeg guna dgn pakaian formal.. bangang betul!

Tinggu tu pokok durian berkawin: bahagia

Menjual buah mangga chokanan di tuaran. wow

\

Buat tut buah ciku.. fantastic

Kasi pakai baju sama polybeg mangga cokanan

Sa di siring paling ujung baju ijau

Berdug dug di jiwa tunggu giliran bercakap depan beliau beliau

Masuk hutan di kg tuk ambil cantasan seedless lemon

         The goal setting making me have something to think of everyday, I have to learn to write well. In order to do that, I've browse lots of web about writing paper, and learn from it. There is never too late for someone to learn even though they are at the age of 50. Always sets something to achieve that makes you feels it's impossible to achieve but at the same time not giving up on it as it is very thrilling when the goal was successfully achieved. I believe I can do this even though it's so unrealistic. 

        What's fuel me up is that when I talk about it to people, they think it is unachieved as is there is a limit in my capabilities. So, this has make me really determine to achieved it and I just don't care for any other distracting situation than achieving my goal. In order to  achieve my goal, I have to plan how to do it, It's start from how to organized well and break this little goal to a lot of little task that allows the progression of the journey of reaching to my goal. 

The are several short term goal I want achieve:

1.Have score improved my grade ( target 3.5 gpa) 

2. goal weight 55 kg currently 65 kg in (3 month)

3. javelin throw distant, 55m ( currently targert for 45m)

4. Read 3 self enrichment book.

5. Sketch 3 picture

Having a plan is crucial in achieving goal.

'Thrive for success'

Hujan jga akhirnya

Setelah sekian lama ku rasa ups and down dlm sebulan yang lalu musim paska. byk salib2 kecil yang sa harus pikul. tp lepas minggu paska ini tamat. sa terasa semua beban2 salib kecil yang terpaksa sa pikul tu kan hilang semua ni. memang kali ini la sa betul2 menghayati kebangkitan yesus kristus tu. sa pecaya betul2 dengan Dia suda ni. di saat2 saya suda abis betri. mo putus asa dan kestressan dan hampir gila dengan masalah yang tidak conclusion. Thank you sangat2 kepada mereka yang stick dengan saya yang bantu saya waktu saya dlm masalah. tq sangat2 lord jesus christ.. Surut sda banjir air bah, tamat suda musim kemarau. hujan suda. pelangi suda muncul. Perkara ini sangat2 buat saya bertindak lebih matang lagi. Bisuk pigi belajar buat hasilan kacang soya di unit latihan tamparuli. pegi timba ilmu lagi. kemarin pula ada supervisor datang. dia pun concern la juga kenapa tiba2 sa minta pindah. sa pun menceritakan hal sebenar. dia kata anda harus jaga diri, dlm working life memang begini, kita yang perlu alert, dan dia kata it's a good move ko pinda ke sini. means. am doing the right thing to fix my mistake. walaupun awalannya semua punca org kata dari saya sendiri, but I had done something to avoid even worst consequences kan. thats right. tq everybody biar yang mencaci, mengumpat, mengasih ketawa atau yang mengfitnah2, sebab you all make me stronger than yesterday. Tq everybody. Kamu adalah pendorong saya menjadi lebih berani lagi. May god bless you all.

Trauma: Stelensia imsoniac nightmare

Stelensia was in the dilemma on the night she was outstation from the day she was at Kota belud. She was alone in the room trying to have a peaceful moment with her favourite novel book. She received message from one of the boss asking her wherebout. Finally, he was persuade her to get into her room and she was shocked with the condition when she had the intuition that she was in trouble that night. She just want to stay out of trouble and she was blank at the moment trying to escape from the room was not the wise choice in her thought. All she think about is to stay up all nite and be cautious to that man. At the moment, she had a old stranger in her room with double of her age trying to get into her pants. She was so anxious and can’t sit tight. All she did was to look calm and survive that night. She make it look as friendly as possible and talk to him all night long. She had told him everything, about her  feelings and he was suppose to get the idea of she was not comfortable with him in the room.  All night long was a hell to her. This man had push off the limits. Stelensia limits is high, and this man had push her button and she can’t take it anymore. In three weeks, she had endure all this verbally sexually harrassment and finally he is getting physical and she knew she is no longer safe doing her internship in the department of extension in Tuaran. Whatever it is. She will fight her right and he had to bear the consequences of his action. Goodbye Mr. boss.

Lesson learned: put your limit low so people won't think you will not angry easily.. self value important don't waste time on the wrong one.

Pertanian atau pendidikan??

Sebenarnya, suda lama sa minat ni pertanian bah. tp yang pendidikan ni semua org suru. tus ada jga sa minat sikit2. tp sa sayang betul dengan pertanian. adui. sakit jiwa ku memikirin ni barang tau. sa betul2 sayang ni pertanian. huhu.. satu perjuangan jga tu pertanian tu. satu perniagaan. teda petani jangan harap ada nasi di meja. dunia sekarang ni. tu yang harus diperjuangkan.. adui. ibu impikan saya ikut pendidikan. mana2 saja la bos. bukan kekal jga ni di dunia

Stelensia new found mission Part I

My own Short stories

Stop chasing the wind, start grabing the truth.

                   Stelensia life as an intern in her working place is hectic everyday, she felt so tired and exhausted to carry on her life. She was spending too much time thinking over it again and again. She want to save this boy for his eternal life. Praying to god and put herself forward walking with him in his life and guide him to choose the right path, somehow, she was gambling her own life her as she knews that her life was for god to used for saving souls and she voluntarily let herself to be used by god just to help more people to save their soul for eternal life. That is her new found mission of life as she bearing in mind that this world is not for eternity. Someday she'll have to give it back what she receive but she wish that she can help this boy to help himself to save his life for eternity. She want him to be introduce to god. Praying for him to be good and save him. But at the same time Stelensia is not strong enough to do this new found mission. She might be the one who fallen into darkness along the way and she gamble her own life to achieve that mission. She understand. With god by her side she is strong to overcome anything that may happen to her. 

Play more learn More Part 2

Play more learn more

Stelensia was praying to the lord the everyday and make it as her routine. somehow, she was praying secretly as she don't wan't other to know about it. As she was praying,  she felt the closeness of herself with God by her side. She was use to losing hope, faith and love. she was working it out the relationship with the Lord to be stronger then ever. She is now officially IN A RELATIONSHIP with GOD and feel the never ending love. And she was shocked today with the miracle and she felt blessed that the house that she stayed in was not burn out because there was a saviour came for rescued. As Stelensia felt so lucky for staying alive and it was such a bless. She was heart felt when she saw an old lady with her stunting green cloth in kebaya and she was barely able to stand on her feet but she was standing strongly with merely her faith holding tightly to her heart believing that god are present in her life and she felt His presence everywhere. Everytime she seek for the answers, she always get the answers not necessarily the one that she want to hear.  She is getting the best answer for her future. The eternal life in heaven with GOD had become her ultimate goal for her life. She pursue more than anybody want. Some how, she always need god by her side to guide her on the right way and keeping her head above the water.

Keep Holding On Part 3

                  She was not please when she knew that she was all alone in the place that she was working  because her friend who are suppose to be with her requested to be transfer back to her hometown. Somehow, the week before she was moving to new place she had a devastating heart and clueless about her relationship. She had no longer strength to worry about it anymore because she had to focus on what is more important although sometime she might stressed out over thinking about this matter. She was clueless about her future. Her weakness is she is not strong enough.

                        

                    The day she was report duty  to her workplace, she was suprise that 90% of the people working in the department was twice of her age. Now her co-workers was about her fathers age. She learn lots of things from the department as the first week of her working days had taught her a lot. Even though she was working for practical, she not yet fail to pray to god. Somehow, she had lost her cell phone on the first day her working day. The house keeper was a good person. She pray for these family member to be blessed by god and let god blessed them and pour them blessing because they are nice people. There is one of the co-worker is so nice to her and buying her food for lunch. She just don’t need to eat that much anymore because she was full with the word of GOD as the fasting season has teach her to be dependent on god and pray always and make her feel that how weak human are without Him.

                 About her relationship, she knows that god had prepared the best husband for her and she just still clueless about what she was suppose to do with it and she just go with the flow. All she was able to do was to make sure her life properly live on track of god. She always remember God and practising prayer more often because after prayer she always feel a kind of reliefs. Somehow, she is not perfect and trying to improve herself with the faith of god. Reading religion books helps her a lot and reading is one of her hobby. She will continue to pursue the words of god a and hoping that God will always by her sides along the way she was trying to make her choices in life. 

                                       Always involving god and ask for guidance and sign. 

The Originals

Sunny Sunday,  8.04 p.m. , 27 Feb 2011                                                                                             
Saya pernah antisosial pada satu ketika 

Dahulu sebelum saya akil baligh lagi, 

Namun harus sampai bilakah saya patut 

Begitu? Saya suda bosan kehidupan kolej, 

Jadual masa penuh dengan kuliah dan aktiviti 

Kolej. Saya suda bosan dengan cinta monyet, 

Saya suda bosan dengan hidup tanpa irama,

Tanpa fokus, tanpa kekuatan. 

Saya telah lemah apabila dia

Meletakkan kekuasaannya ke atas saya, 

Dia meyelubungi diri saya,

Saya tidak gila, saya masih siuman, 

Saya perlukan masa untuk mengubati

Luka ini. Berilah saya kawan yang ramai,

Biar ikhlas atau tidak, biar jujur atau tidak, 

Berikan mereka kepada saya agar saya tidak kesunyian, 

Hidup menyendiri ini amat menyeksa batinku, 

Pemikiran saya mudah melencong 

Ke arah yang penuh kegelapan. 

Saya sungguh hipokrit, mengukir 

Senyuman yang tidak ikhlas, 

Berpura-pura peramah, kerana saya tidak ingin 

Dilabelkan sebagai sombong.

Jauh di satu sudut dalam lubuk hati ini, 

Sangat tertekan dengan pergaulan,

Tidak kira dengan perempuan ataupun lelaki, 

Kerana saya tidak  kenal keperibadian saya yang sebenar,

Sama ada apabila bersama dengan kawan-kawan,

Ataupun apabila tidak ada seorang pun yang melihat saya.

"Happiness resides not in posessions and not in gold; the feeling of happiness dwells in the soul" 

By Democritus 

"Who are you when nobody looking at you" The original

By: JYOO

Chasing the sun by the wanted

The wild one

New arena, Bigger classroom Part 4

             

Used to be guarded

                 In next few days, Stelensia will be moving to the new environment, which she was scared. Whenever she was away with her family she was tend to do mistake and she don't know how what the world is about. Stelensia was used to be under their surveillance and she can't not live without them and their guidance. They always guide her about life and she need them to teach her about life. She was moving to the big fast lane city with her friend and working there. The last few days was a hell for her and she just laid back. She was reflecting about everything that happen to her life, the pain that she had gone through was not letting her move on, every word that had been heard and searching for missing pieces of her inner self is the process of life for the checking in to the bigger classroom. THE WORLD.

When the seasons knocking on Part 5

At 2.23PM

                   Stelensia was on her back laying around on the bed on the floor. She can hardly feel the hunger of food as her mind was dwelling with the subtle matter that happen to her. Her mom said “ come take your breakfast downstairs”. She said “ hold on a sec, I didn’t feel hungry yet” and the time was already 2.23 PM. At last she was came downstairs to at 3 PM try to chew down the food that was prepared on the table. She feel disgusted with the food and throw it away. Her mom ask her “ why did you throw away the food into the dustbin? What’s wrong with you dear” She lied to her mom “ I had my breakfast in the morning and I am still  full”. Whats on her mind right now is “What is it actually Jack up to? Why did he kept this secret all this long?” Its so hurt that makes her remind of her past that was hardly heal yet. Now she was hardly trust to anyone. Her heart was shattered and all she could do was to pray and seek calmness from GOD. She burst into tears praying and wondering how to response to this trouble which could be worst than before. She open up the bible on the table and read to seek calmness. Once she had closed the bible, her mind started to think about it and she started to feel hurt again. When she closed her eyes, all she could see is a man was not sincere to her and she was duped again. She tried to text him but it seem Johnny started ignoring her. :'( 

Please save me~

I said,'LORD, be merciful to me; Heal my soul, for I have sinned against you.'

SAVE MY SOUL, HEAL MY BROKEN WING

My soul screaming for saver

Every second was hell

Stelensia was on her back laying around on the bed on the floor. She can hardly feel the hunger

 of food as her mind was dwelling with the subtle matter that happen to her. Her mom said “

 come take your breakfast downstairs”. She said “ hold on a sec, I didn’t feel hungry yet” and the

 time was already 2.23 PM. At last she was came downstairs to at 3 PM try to chew down the

 food that was prepared on the table. She feel disgusted with the food and throw it away. Her

 mom ask her “ why did you throw away the food into the dustbin? What’s wrong with you dear”

 She lied to her mom “ I had my biscuits in the morning already and am still feel full”. Whats on

 her mind right now is “What is it actually Johnny up to? Why did he kept this secret all this long?”

 Its so hurt that makes her remind of her past that was hardly heal yet. Know she was not trusted

 to any boy anymore. Her heart was shattered into pieces and all she did was to pray and seek

 calmness from GOD. She burst into tears praying and wondering how to response to this new

 matter which could be worst than before. She open up the long unopen bible on the table and

 read a few words from it and feel the calmness. Once she had closed the bible, her mind

 started to think about it and she started to feel hurt again. When she closed her eyes, all she

 could see is a man was not sincered to her and she was lied to again. She tried to text him but

 it seem Johnny started to feel bored about her. 

Time won't heal Part 6

Some part of me that I wish can be undone

               She was shocked when her current boyfriend Jack reveals his long time kept well secrets. He was no differences with the Valtino. Somehow Stelensia was out of her mind and she don't know how to move on. She repeated the same old mistakes again. She can't sleep the night when Jack secret was reveal. God says that avoid people that can bring you down, who can vandalize you and kill your soul in life. Some how try to show them the right way to the new life and it seems there is no way for her to restart a new and bring him to the right path. She had been crying out her eyes out in bath room kneeling on the floor praying with her head feeling the coldness of teh mosaic just to think about how was life had treat her. Thinking that she will be happy with Jack was stupid mistakes. Now she was left unknown and was thinking to take a step backward just to avoid her heart and soul further crushed. Somehow she was thinking about it more deeply as she knew every small decision make a big difference in the future. She was numb in her life for letting her emotion becoming the decision make. She don't know what does LOVE means. She really need to take a really long rest in this mad world of  which could drive people out of their mind and it's driving her crazy right now. 

Discovering new intervention

 Black lens

Trying out purple lens

Unveiling the absolute credibility part 7

           Stelensia was at overseas representing her college in sports, always sitting at the corner with her phone texting her lover. Barely speaks a word even though some other people are at their peak of their hormone excited about the sport competition. She can't focus anything but her phone. The day before Stelensia left Putrajaya, she got text from Alex which would likely sound like this. 

"Would you still be with me whatever happens? What if I was married?"

Stelensia took it as a joke somehow Alex admit that he was married with two kids. As soon as she knew the truth. She told him to divorce his wife and left his family behind as she was not intend to love this man anymore but to take revenge for what he has done by destroying his family. She hold on to her tears and she felt the weight on her chest and she can hardly breath. At the moment, she was catching her flight back to her state at Sabah. Pretending a smile in her face but crying in her heart. Her parents bring her home at that day, her mom was so happy to see her after spending a long time apart without knowing what was happening in her daughter. Stelensia still holding on to her tears in her chest waiting for the right time to burst out anytime soon. She was crying like three years old without the subconciousness to the surrounding hugging to her mom and telling her everything about that bad guy. Her mom was so worry and crying with her. She can't breath and shivering with her hand in her chest comforting herself. She just had enough with all this crap. The next day, she wants end up the relationship . Some how, he was begging Stelensia to stay. She was so strong to refuse to stay with him as she gain the strength from her mom. After a while, she was gone wild, trying to explore life and getting frustrated to herself. She was drinking alcohol, she was going to the club, she was hanging out with her buddies and trying to escape the mind thinking about it. That could be her darkest moment of her life. A broken angel was born. Some how  both of them was getting back together again for another two painful months. She was struggling to find herself. She was loss in the lust.

With buddies supporting team

Give us power of medalling

My achieving

Home

              She was started to let go of herself and just let him do what he wants. The last day they met before she was going back to her hometown. She whispering to his ears "Be good, take a good care of yourself, just don't leave me behind" she hug him and crying knowing that that would be her last time to meet. She fell in love with this man somehow she  knew it was wrong and it must be ended soon.  Stelensia, was destroyed and broken into pieces. She was doomed. The scars in her life was unimagineablely painful. She let go of her religion. She don't believes in anything. All she was able to do was to live the life with no broken soul. 

Unseen doen't mean it wasn't there Part 8

              There was a girl name Stelensia born innocently to this world, growing up in unexpected life condition, when she was in her childhood. Everyday with fear of broken family and pressure by parents who wish for the best for her, mom was always sick (with its own case) and always need to be taken care of, she cry every day for the getting a new scar she had on her heart, even in her teenage she can't go around and mixed around with people, she was growing up being told she was ugly, hence she was not confident at herself always staying in her room. She grew up to be antisocial, she hardly open her mouth to talk to people, everyday staying at home and only talk to her mom and brother, she barely talk to the dad because she was not close to him, she had very small circle of friends. Her life was a dull. It's alright to be that way her parents assume.                 

                
                  Once she was out into the society, she had to learn to be involve with the society, because of the growing process was not preparing her, she had to struggle to learn to be sociable and everyday was learning a new lesson. She was too naive and trusting people easily, people always took advantage of her easily. She had her first relationship on 21 years old while others in her age had learn a lot about it. she was started to discovered love life at the age of 21. A lot of guys started to try their luck on her. She think about love a lot and started to slipping down her grade in college. Somehow she is very active in sport but still manage to live her life. It was so often ask by people, why did she d want to talk. Y, and Y and Y. 

                    It's had been in her nature to be silence. She can't help it. at the age of 22, she had was broken hearted. again and the third time.. she had the deepest cut in her heart. She was cheated by a married man with two child. She was so strong that she can still hold on to the principle of life that her parents tought her. she cried and cried up until today. She pray and cry.  Her soul was injured badly. She still can't find the calmness in her self. she try to overcome it but it was hard for her. For once she had been covered herself with darkness.
                      

Cry me a river!

                    She was so lucky. What she had been through, no one would knows about with the pretending of happy mask. she is always good girl in the eye of her parents and relatives. NO ONE KNOWS her GUILT, NO ONE KNOWS her filthy secret. NO ONE KNOWS. She wil stay stronger than ever. This world is so cruel that she can only continue to walk in her jorney of life without a doubt. That's the life to her.

Mirror always lie

Selalu kita tengok cermin ikut mood, tapi kadang-kadang kita selalu tengok cermin sebab ada mood. Tetapi apa yang kita nampak hanya diri kita saja yang sentiasa kita rasa sempurna walaupun memang tidak sempurna sebab kita yakin. Walaupun kadang2 kita rasa pada hari itu kita tidak cantik, tetapi kita akan menatap cermin lama lama dan senyum pada cermin tuk meyakinkan diri, ya kita itu cantik. Tetapi kita tetap akan fikir kita tidak cantik selepas kita meninggalkan cermin itu. Itu mencerminkan sifat manusia yang tidak pernah merasa puas hati dan bersyukur atas apa yang diperolehinya.

Ada sedikit sebanyak perkara yang telah ku pelajari dalam perjalanan ku di sandakan, terutama sekali mengenali budi pekerti seseorang melalui pergaulan dan jangka masa pergaulan pada seseorang tidak boleh dijadikan kesimpulan tentang seseorang itu sebagai manusia yang berdosa, kita adalah berdosa untuk menilai dan mehakimi seseorang kerana kita pasti akan dihakimi di dunia akhirat. Apa yang menyedihkan adalah orang yang mempunyai kaya dalam pengetahuan tetapi miskin dalam budi pekerti serta akhlak. Mungkin itu adalah sebab cara mereka didik, pergaulan, dan pegangan prinsip hidup berasaskan agama. Ku akui ku bukanlah pakar dalam agama serta ku tidak layak menyatakan segala rintihan ini, namun, luahan isi hati ini harus tulis dalam blog ini walaupun agak membosankan dan ku tahu tidak ada sesiapa yang membaca. Hahaha. kalau ada yang terbaca tahan hati saja la. 

Sebagai manusia yang pernah jatuh dalam lembah dosa, ku memohon pengampunan dari semua orang di dunia ini agar memaafkan kesalahan saya.