Photo 1: I would always love experiencing looks but rarely brought it outside
19 February 2019
Thank you, next topic
Its late at 9.28pm, the kids still wide awake, TV3 channel on with 999, reporting all the crime in the local nation. Havent got my dinner yet, but surely its a full of tiredness stomach.
While typing here in the laid back position ears listeniNg to the TV3 narration of the crime case, drug,adultry, etc.. Wondering, "is this what all the adult do when they grow up" What was gone wrong, where gone wrong.
The other hand just swinging big emotion 2 of hanna into good night sleep. I'm thinking maybe if i can develope my writing skill, i will write to earn money. That would be cool job for a cool mom, but my dream was always to have a farm, I dont know it is so weird. Its like it is the easiest dream to most people who had land. They just dont dream about it.
What i learn from my reflection happyness is not being get what you dreaming of, being beautiful, being in a good job with great earn, popular, being celebrities, having a big house, good husband, or whatever so.
Being happy is to be present to wherever you are, and be gratitude.
Ps.. Next i would write a little about little life story
While typing here in the laid back position ears listeniNg to the TV3 narration of the crime case, drug,adultry, etc.. Wondering, "is this what all the adult do when they grow up" What was gone wrong, where gone wrong.
The other hand just swinging big emotion 2 of hanna into good night sleep. I'm thinking maybe if i can develope my writing skill, i will write to earn money. That would be cool job for a cool mom, but my dream was always to have a farm, I dont know it is so weird. Its like it is the easiest dream to most people who had land. They just dont dream about it.
What i learn from my reflection happyness is not being get what you dreaming of, being beautiful, being in a good job with great earn, popular, being celebrities, having a big house, good husband, or whatever so.
Being happy is to be present to wherever you are, and be gratitude.
Ps.. Next i would write a little about little life story
My little escape master piece: Pinongkoloh Wear (Not so master yet)
Photo 1: Clearly Im wasn't born as creative person, but a trained creativity, I am. This is self learn. Im a genius haha
Photo 2: Well I do procrastinated well, Only deep rest needed, I will be resuming this Master piece.
Mother of two, Working mom
My life was totally different when it comes to changing my status into working mom with two child daughter. Sometimes every little things that i had to made up too really makes me feel so tired. Its the second type of tired, which will never be feeling good again with all the good rest.
The tiredness that I meant here is tired of being at here, with all this. What would I do? Surely I would just self seek calmness by doing some handicraft. Reading, looking for inspirator gurus. and sometimes i seek answers from god, looking for the books fills with word of wisdom from the bible with every question in life.
Its really like a roller coaster, to just juggling the feelings and thoughts at the same times I keep on talking to myself that i may have this any kind of depression or disorder. Just that I never talk to any expert. Maybe Im not in the worst stage because I always know how to empty the bottling up stress in my head, keep on pressing the reset button in my head and looking for ways to feel my self a little more better.
Im just tired, and need a rest. I have to change my habit from being so angry at a little dirt that i just clean up on the floor, into a person to let it just being dirty for a while, I'll come back later, when i got enough rest. So that I wont feel so pressured to do all the chores non stop. just do it when u feel u want to be. I would rather being called lazy rather than feeling depressed on keeping the perfect clean and tidy home. as the whole energy was drain during working hour, sometimes works need to be done at home, it really occupied a big part of my times during at home..
P.S: Be calm, Be queen of Home, and be doing it when you feel you want too. Peace no war.
Just some scribbled on the net
Well this is my third post of the day, I just feel like puoring some cup of feelings and thought on this writing. As I grown into a matured mother and wife and adult, I thought things would be oriented and in control. Well it turn out burning my days out everyday. My head would just exploding just by a little snap, those little things irritated my so well.
I used to have great patience and very hard to get angry, right after the change of life cylce; changing status and changing jobs, and living place, it shaken a lot my routines of life. I just suspected I got bipolar I, or just some severe depression episodes from time to time.
One of the kids getting to school, I always got to standby for outstation from time to time and away from the kids. I have a trouble 2 years old big emotion little baby to handle. I just hope I can have a really good rest from all the disasters of life, juggling homework and job work, as well as managing the money of the household has really makes my nerves so short and tiny. I get angry so fast.
P.S: Pray to god, go to church often, read bible, seek for healing word of god, recenter life and look for good purpose of life. mind setting, reset mind every time getting Heated up to the top of the head.
God is always love you.
I used to have great patience and very hard to get angry, right after the change of life cylce; changing status and changing jobs, and living place, it shaken a lot my routines of life. I just suspected I got bipolar I, or just some severe depression episodes from time to time.
One of the kids getting to school, I always got to standby for outstation from time to time and away from the kids. I have a trouble 2 years old big emotion little baby to handle. I just hope I can have a really good rest from all the disasters of life, juggling homework and job work, as well as managing the money of the household has really makes my nerves so short and tiny. I get angry so fast.
P.S: Pray to god, go to church often, read bible, seek for healing word of god, recenter life and look for good purpose of life. mind setting, reset mind every time getting Heated up to the top of the head.
God is always love you.
18 February 2019
Throwing back, reminiscing in the past : Unduk ngadau
Looking back at the time,
I truely regret a lot of things i did'nt do, when i was in the younger age, i had truely punished my self and jail my personality, and making so many poor decision. The one thing that I am truely regret about is to not join as many competition (Unduk Ngadau) as posible. I personally think that as an introvert, fighting in within self, personality confusion, the way that I can make a better self is to throw myself into a situation where I can grow myself. I was forbidden to join the competition even though there is a lot of people keep asking why i did'nt join. but by the sunset of my glorious Age which is 24 to 25 YO, I had join six time in two years. Haha, Now I know why, I can be joining every year since 18 to 25 years and keep on lossing my self in the competition. People will keep critized. not good enough this and that, hair, makeup, or maybe traditional wear the cause of not winning. to me its because of me i loose. join a hundred time, if loose still loose. Hehe. anyhow, the experiences is enjoyable. If u ask why i was so desperated to join so many time, is im just trying my luck while testing my ability on the stage and just do what i fear to do. it seems every now and then i have to face people all the time and talking/ presenting more to raised awareness in front and being criticized. the best thing that i can do is just ignored.
no regret. love jesus, the savior. missing going to church and see him.
I'm not a person that like the crowd, talking a lot make me feel tired, socialize, and lastly would like to just sit in the home and do what every i like freedomly and thats why I keep on losing, because this competition is seeking socialite. people who is outgoing for sure, because many social event will be need to be attend.
I truely regret a lot of things i did'nt do, when i was in the younger age, i had truely punished my self and jail my personality, and making so many poor decision. The one thing that I am truely regret about is to not join as many competition (Unduk Ngadau) as posible. I personally think that as an introvert, fighting in within self, personality confusion, the way that I can make a better self is to throw myself into a situation where I can grow myself. I was forbidden to join the competition even though there is a lot of people keep asking why i did'nt join. but by the sunset of my glorious Age which is 24 to 25 YO, I had join six time in two years. Haha, Now I know why, I can be joining every year since 18 to 25 years and keep on lossing my self in the competition. People will keep critized. not good enough this and that, hair, makeup, or maybe traditional wear the cause of not winning. to me its because of me i loose. join a hundred time, if loose still loose. Hehe. anyhow, the experiences is enjoyable. If u ask why i was so desperated to join so many time, is im just trying my luck while testing my ability on the stage and just do what i fear to do. it seems every now and then i have to face people all the time and talking/ presenting more to raised awareness in front and being criticized. the best thing that i can do is just ignored.
no regret. love jesus, the savior. missing going to church and see him.
I'm not a person that like the crowd, talking a lot make me feel tired, socialize, and lastly would like to just sit in the home and do what every i like freedomly and thats why I keep on losing, because this competition is seeking socialite. people who is outgoing for sure, because many social event will be need to be attend.
Photo 1: As a 2nd runner up Kuala penyu my best spot. 2013
Photo 2: I look like winning here, but Im 6th runner up hehe. 2012
Photo 3: Im just trying luck, learning other races languages, I learn speak lundayeh self introduction. Quite. I tried and bravo to self. I think i got number 8 or 7 Sipitang, 2013
Photo 4: My first time ever, got 7th Place at Beaufort 2012
Photo 5: I manage no place here, being critized for gravel skins and not fit to win a placing. Thanks to judges for being truth. Im honored for it give me experiences to be memorable. Not as easy as I thought, I mean you gotta impress with perfection, and thats insanely possible, but physically 50/50 , Membakut 2012
Above all that, I would like to thanks for my mother who support me fully on my journey to this competition, she followed to everywhere I compete and critized others for winning and not fit for their winning, haha. A mother who sees the best in their daughter, I always win in her heart. she just love me too much. The person who beautified me along the journey, and the dresses who lend to me.. All well and good, but thanks for the sweet memory. I actually had hide this joining competition at first from my mother at first but she finally allowed me, Im not allowed to follow all this but my hard headed nut cracker type had just made me gain so much wonderful experieance and enjoyable moment which is priceless than taking all the winning prizes.
It is everyone dream to win and being beautiful in my dream, Now Im just be as normal as I can. and stay out my way from the game.
Bipolar or Just a normal depression/ anxiety
There are various type of mental illness in this world, it seems everything just fine in the surface and people rarely take serious about it when it happen to someone. This disease is either just because that someone is overthinking and still can move around and nothing is serious.
but when it comes to poor anger management, poor decision making, surrounded by ill people, affected greatly from excessive period of depression/anxiety, constantly demotivated, sudden feeling of happyness but in the other moment the mood change to anger and it was to the point where self hurt is happening.
That is something, this illness is look so normal until it can takes lives. people seldom take serious about it until it was too late. When you have any similar symptom, seek someone to talk. like talk deeply. Find peace in self and dont do self destruction. Just drop some message to me.
but when it comes to poor anger management, poor decision making, surrounded by ill people, affected greatly from excessive period of depression/anxiety, constantly demotivated, sudden feeling of happyness but in the other moment the mood change to anger and it was to the point where self hurt is happening.
That is something, this illness is look so normal until it can takes lives. people seldom take serious about it until it was too late. When you have any similar symptom, seek someone to talk. like talk deeply. Find peace in self and dont do self destruction. Just drop some message to me.
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